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Colaboration of messed up ideas

  • Jul. 22nd, 2008 at 4:09 AM
kevin
From the moment we see first light to the moment the sun sets there is always a little room for some truths. We sometimes see things in a dream days before it happens. Unsightly happening over and over again. But it never stopped her, not one bit. When she ran across the room, she always had that sparkling smile. So the day she told me what was going to happen was a horror story in the making. She seemed so serious, with no smile on her face. It was hard to imagine that it could happen to someone so cheerful. But the details were so real and the day it happened, I remembered what she said. I should tell you it from the beginning. Maybe it would help you understand my fear of why I hate leaving the house. See I was never in to the whole future crap, I was a realist I took everything in front of me as the truth, I let my future be decided day by day. Though Mandy was the complete different. She believed out lives were controlled by fate, and that we could see and understand things that could happen to us. So when she told me she saw what was going to happen to her, I of course only pretended to believe, only because I didn't believe in that type of stuff. When Mandy told me, she let me know every gruesome detail, it was right out of a horror flick almost. All the blood and the twisted corpse, the knife on the ground and her sweet brunette hair mixing with the deep red blood. Oh yeah that exactly what I want to hear from my best friend.

Okay that's all for now, tell if you like or not. It's a part from a book I am currently writing.

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Yurikio-Tsuki
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Elfwood Fantasy/Sci-fi
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  • Location:Home
  • Mood: restless

Long time no post

  • Dec. 18th, 2007 at 1:01 AM
Sarah
Well it's been a while since I posted a journal, sorry about that a lot has happened and it's kept me from updating. Well here how about I catch you all up.

September:
Started school with that cut remember, well things ended up going okay, it took several weeks before I got my uniform, it came close to the point where I would have no longer been allowed to go to class. (and that almost happened all because of a silly hairnet). I was extremely shy, and for the first week I talk to no one, things were getting lonely on my own, sitting in front of class alone, while everyone else had some one to hang with. By the second week people took notice to my quietness and well they tried to coax out the loud and confident girl that was hidden inside... it actually ended up taking a while, and I'm still not completely loud, I'm still too quiet and it really effecting me now. Anyways I became friends with almost everyone in my class. I started hanging out with them, because they told me too. (I was going to go off on my own but they wouldn't let me.) So things went up from there. Oh yeah I realized I like one of the guys in my class during the second week. I still haven't told him, and I have no intention of doing so... I know he doesn't like me in the same way, so what would be the point in telling him?

October:
Thing with school were going well, but things at home were starting the down fall... this has nothing to do with my family. My technological life, my computer failed me... I lost EVERYTHING!! All my art, writing, singing, graphics, pictures, and most of my music. Yep that was the end of half my life. 4 years deleted. Stupid computers. This left me with out a computer for 2 and half months.

November was uneventful.

December:
My marks were going up, I was actually succeeding, now I am currently in the waiting to see my final marks. I have my first real job, not some dinky paper route or looking after kids... a real job... I am working at the Marriott Hotel near the Eaton's centre. It pays really good and I'm enjoying it. It's helping me complete get rid of the shy, scared, and quiet girl I was and is slowly bring out this girl who is louder and more confident. In January I will be moving into residence, so I be living on my own for the first time ever... I'm excited about it. ^ ^

So now your all caught up ^ ^




My Links

Yurikio-Tsuki
DeviantART
SheezyART
Elfwood Fantasy/Sci-fi
Elfwood Fan Art
Gaia Online
MySpace
FaceBook
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  • Location:Home
  • Mood: excited
  • Music:Ich bin nicht ich - Tokio Hotel

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Updates

  • Sep. 1st, 2007 at 2:07 AM
yellow
Well I'm updating here to let you all know what's going on in my life.

Well yesterday was an interesting and painful day. The day before I had go my kitchen tool kit, and well yesterday I was cleaning everything in it getting it ready for Tuesday, and well I got distracted while cleaning my large chef knife, and well I sliced my finger. I had to get 4 stitches. It's going to be a slow healing process but it will heal thankfully. It hurts a lot still it's made things like typing hard to do, let alone I can't really use my hands to pick things up. The finger that was injured was my pinky on my right hand. Of course that's my writing hand, it's now hard to write. GAH!!

And well 3 days till school starts and I can't even write properly. What am I going to do? Not to mention I'm nervous as hell and I don't have everything I need. My uniform wasn't ready, so I have to pick that up Tuesday, and my kitchen tool kit is missing items. *sigh*

This is not looking like a good start to the new school year :(

My Links

Yurikio-Tsuki
DeviantART
SheezyART
Elfwood Fantasy/Sci-fi
Elfwood Fan Art
Gaia Online
MySpace
FaceBook
Flickr
  • Location:Home
  • Mood: sore
  • Music:Final Day - Tokio Hotel

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Revelations

  • Aug. 20th, 2007 at 1:54 AM
billness
Do I dare try to understand?
Should I wait for the answers?

I suppose there are somethings I will never understand. Frames of time in my life that will never make sense. There will be beliefs that have no meaning. Friends will always come and go. But what about me? What will happen to me?

As I move along in my life, I learn to lose and forget many things. I have hated myself, love myself, and just didn't understand myself.

I've hurt friends unintentionally. I've made mistake for lack of knowledge. I have learned my truths and my flaws.

I'm taking the next part in my journey. This really isn't a journal or a note to myself about how much my life sucks. This is a revelation, a story. This is the ending to this part of my life.

Why am I writing this?
To give the people I love and care about, and the friends I've had a look in to my mind, to see what I'm leaving behind on the journey to the next installment of my life.


Over the years I had learned that life was a cruel bitch. I felt the effects of how I was treated. But I never for one day ever told anyone the whole story of how I felt. People learned bits and pieces, but no one could ever really understand how I felt. Maybe I'm doing this to get people to feel sorry for me, but to tell you the truth I don't want pity for how I have lived my life. So then maybe this is to truly tell myself that the bad times are over, and there is a bigger light out there. Well in that case I already knew that. So why am I really writing this? I really don't know. I just have to put how I feel now and how I felt then down in words.

It started years ago, in elementary school. I hated it. Everything about it. I entered that school in to the arms of hatred. For the longest time it was unknown to me why so many people hated me. I could only imagine why people could be so cruel to me. Laugh at me. Call me names. Make fun at me, at ever chance they got. I was tormented, hated, beaten emotionally. And I could never understand why. I would slip into my own world to get away from reality. Reality didn't want me, the world didn't want me. I slowly slipped away from everyone and everything. For the next years that would be the down fall for broken friendships that would never work, falling marks because I stopped caring. And soon my confidence in myself, my art, my words and even my sing would soon fall.

Grade 5, an innocent year for many, held my greatest horror. I haven't talked to many people about this but it was this point in my life that may help people understand things that happened to me later in life.

I was still the most hated person at my school, no one gave the time of day. I was haunted by the faces of the people who had beaten down on me. They know who they are or were. But the one thing that I hadn't expect was an authority figure, the people you were suppose to look up would beat down on me like my classmates. A teacher did everything possible to make my life a living hell. I could do anything right in her eyes. If she didn't like something I wrote she would rip it up in my face in front of the whole class. I remember the sound of the ripping and the laughter that followed as the whole class laughed at me, venom laced their laughter. It felt like knives to me. Constantly stabbing at my insides. If she caught me drawing, even if I was done my work, she would do the same rip it up into pieces right in front of my face. She kill my creativity. If I did anything different then what she wanted she would do all the same. Rip it up like it was nothing. I thought that that was the worse thing ever. A teacher being so cruel. I know many of you will probably sit there and call me a liar, because many students like this teacher. But I never lied about what happened it was always the truth.

Then the unthinkable happen. This teacher kicked me. Like I was just dirt to her. She kicked me. That kill my personality, my confidence in myself. This start my whole way down.

The years after that happened my life took more plummets I lost the kind person I was, and gain this unsightly anger. I hurt people friends and family I cared about. Completely unintentional. Maybe? When those things happen it was because of people teasing me, treating me like dirt. Friends leaving me by following someone else who hated me and hurt me. I lost control some times. A lot of the time it was when I was outside alone. I would hurt myself by constantly beating at trees with my hands. My mom always wondered why I came home with bruises. I would beat up trees, poles, and walls. I could take my life anymore. Life hated me and damn right hated it. The world was cruel. And the few friends I did have were not enough to bring me back. I went through life feeling the same forsaken way. I hated it. That's when it happened. Depression. It took over me. My weight raise quickly from eating so much. I purposely did it to myself. I wasn't fat as a kid. I wasn't entirely skinny either. That is what people choose to make fun of me for. Call me fat, call me ugly, hell I was even called a lesbian at one point in my life. It all became weight on my shoulders. So gradually I started eating more. My sadness enhanced. I would later learn that these were all signs of depression. Soon I entered high school. It wasn't any better then elementary school. It was still a living hell because I still had to deal with people who hated me. I was too far into my depression at that point. It was kept hidden until grade 10. I would cut my flesh thinking if I bleed that it would mean I was still human, then I could at least bleed out the monster that everyone seem to think I was. Was I? I hide who I knew I was deep down inside, and only showed people the fake person I was on the outside. The fake girl who looked like she had control.

Then I attempted to take my life the summer before grade 10. I had attempted more then once. I knew inside I had to do something but I didn't know what to do. So I cried out for help in a way. I started to let close people know that I was a cutter and that I was depressed hoping that they might be able to help me. I let them know of my suicidal side. Hoping they would shed some light. But many friends turned me away. I was a shame to them. They couldn't understand why I was like that. They didn't understand why I did those things to myself. So instead of helping me, they pushed me away. I hated them for it. I though no one wanted to help me. But I met this one friend, a friend that I wish to god that I had never pushed away in the problems that I began to have later on. This one friend I could talk to, he would calm me down in a way. When I was angry or upset, talking to him seem to make me feel that I could trust, and that I didn't have to be angry. This person help me in more ways the one, and I thank him to this very day. It was him, my best friends and my family who would help convince me to seek help from someone trained in that field.

So I got help, but it didn't work I still felt the same. It was at this place of help that I learned of depression and the symptoms of it.
Grade 10 I met the love of my life, or who I thought was the love of my life. He felt the same way I had. He'd been through most of the things I had. I was happy with him. It was the happiest I had felt in my whole hellish life. It last so long yet so little. 4 months, the longest relationship I had been in. But when it ended it felt like those knives that had been pulled from my body, were plunged back in, and the loneliness slipped  back in. The hate, distaste, pain, and sadness were still there. It was evident that they never left. The consumed me. For the the months after I blamed myself for the break up. Because everything else in life was my fault so why not that. I know now it was no ones fault. It was how it was meant to be. Though I spent days wish he would come back. He never did. For the longest time I never forgot him. Nor did I move on from him. I pushed myself back into my depression. I felt that I wasn't good enough for the world. Wasn't worthy of love or friendship. This affected me till I graduated from high school. Grade 11 went by slowly. Dealing with feuds between friends slow tore me away from some friends. I slowly felt lost and confused. Alone. I alway felt alone. Even with the friends I had. I still felt alone. The feelings that carried over from how people had treated me. This lead to problems in grade 12. I had tried be friends with people. But my mind kept making me think that most them hated me. My mind choose to do things that I would never want to do. I became hateful, hurtful and shameless. That fake person was still there. I was bitter to people. It wasn't that I wanted to be, because I didn't but things in my person life were making things hard for me. I was hurting my family with my anger and depression. I still had the feelings of worthlessness. I had chosen to let my hurt mind protect my heart. I'm sorry for how things turned out. I'm sorry for the way I acted. I just couldn't take my life. I need people who I didn't think would hate me. I need people that could make me laugh. So I stopped hanging out with those friends. I met someone who I could talk to. Someone who clicked with me by having the same interests. She became my best friend. Another friend whom I had been friends with since the end of grade 10 was there with me for grade 12. I could still hang out with her, because she listened to me. She understood me. How I felt and everything. She brought stories that made me laugh, or cringe. She is one of the greatest friends I've had. I truly thank her for what she has done for me. Are friendship was shaky at the beginning. She was annoyed by me. So naturally she hated me. But slowly over the years we became close. Then eventually friends. From the friend I met this year, I met someone else. She was unsure of me at first. I was unsure of her. I thought she would hate me. Then we started talking, and we found again interests that were the same. Now I'm good friends with her. Slow these three friends have managed to pull me from my depression.
They have helped me understand myself. I thank them greatly for what they have done.

So now this leads to were I am now. I'm sitting here alone. Unhappy for reasons that are completely stupid andirrelevant. I'm looking to my future now. College. Cooking school. A dream I have had since I was little. Now I'm making it reality. This dream was cover by fake dreams, things that interested me but I knew I would never want to do.

I have over come depression, deaths of friends and family, the hurt from the past, past lovers and past self hurt. I'm putting it all behind me. I'm starting my life over again. This time with the right friends. I'm hoping for the forgiveness of the ones I hurt.

I have learned to stand up for myself, for what I believe in, and for what I am.

I hope this help some people to understand why I was the way I was. And I hope people will now see the real me. The kind loving person I really am.

I'm came close to crying while writing this. It's not easy remembering my dark past. Like I said before I don't want pity. I just want people to understand, and put who I was behind me.

The things I have gradually notice in that changed was my confidence. Two years of musical theater help. The people I met in those class, were the greatest people I have ever known. They in a way help boost my confidence. I'm grateful for it. ^^

This is the end of this chapter of my life. I won't lock this away in the back of my mind. I have written this as a reminder of my experiences. And I hope that with these experiences I can help people who feel much similar to how I did.


As you notice I have not mentioned any names. I have done this because I didn't want to write this and have to name people who might not want to be named in this. I have done this to be on the safe side.

  • Location:Home
  • Mood: pensive
  • Music:Tokio Hotel - Spring Nicht

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Anger

  • Jul. 25th, 2007 at 12:57 PM
scream2
Anger is that really the feeling that I'm feeling? Anger seems like the one word to sum up all my thoughts. All my happiness went down the drain because one person over stepped the line. They tip the scale and treaded in land that had many no trespassing signs. My life is all about my art. Art is my life. I create my art to show my feelings, my deep thoughts, and all the many things that inspire me. But when someone goes into the area and does the unthinkable. Well that over stepping the bar.

Today started out perfectly. I was excited about tomorrow. I went to check DeviantArt like I normal do. I read the journals that took my interest. Especially those ones about the oh so hateful "rips." So me being one that likes to crack down on them looks at the stolen pictures to take note of the ones I recognize.

And that's when it happened. There was an artwork there that was way too familiar. It's was one of my artworks. Repost without my permission. Right there in front of me.

Anger is that the feeling within. Is it wrath that is now at my door? I know I was redoing my sins but do I have to actually go through them? Art is my door, art knew how I would be feeling today. That's why it made me produce Wrath.
Art knows me, like I know art. What my mind comes up with, inspires but also cause people to want. And the greed they feel leads to art theft, like what I have witnessed today.

  • Location:Home
  • Mood: enraged
  • Music:None

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Avatars and Signature

  • Jul. 22nd, 2007 at 7:04 PM
billness
Updated: August 30 2008
I'm just posting my library of Avatars that I made. Any brushes or textures used are from aethereality, Beautiful-sin, Celestial Star or from my resources
I don't own any of the used pictures that have been used. But I did put in a lot of time to make the avatars. All I ask is that if you used them please link back to this journal or my website http://yurikio-tsuki.grinhost.net. Thank you

Please note that there are older avatars in this entry as well as new ones. All newer ones will be at the top of the section and the older ones will be at the bottom.

Two avatars pictures are by Meilin Wong
Some of the pictures belong to me. So do not repost any of these icons or sigs anywhere claiming them as your own. You can use them on forums for your avatar and signature, but don't post them saying they are yours...

The shoe, flower and heart patterns avatars are my art! So they are a definite no repost!
Doctor master cosplay one is a definite no repost as well!!

Requests are now open
To place a request please send me a message with the following:

You're name and Email
link to high quality pictures (Please make sure you have permission to use any artwork)
Anything you want written on it
Any colour themes.
Keep not the resources I will be using are from the sites above.

Signature































Avatars and Signature sets





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  • Location:Home
  • Mood: excited
  • Music:Don't Jump - Tokio Hotel

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Another Tokio Hotel Vector w00t!

  • Jul. 18th, 2007 at 10:39 AM
scream2
Yep that's right I got another one done. Dedicated to my friend Nequesha I have made the Tom Kaulitz


Check it out

Well 2 of the three boys are here today. It was quite an interesting day so far. They came last night and wow were we on our feet until they went to bed. Now it's day time and we are back on our feet. After waking up really early because they are early riser I felt like I needed to shoot myself. Now I leave for an appointment. Thank who ever.

Concert Countdown

Project Revolution - 35 Days

  • Location:Home
  • Mood: distressed

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when it is done

  • Jul. 16th, 2007 at 11:31 AM
billness
Well all I can say is finally.

After an hour of messing around with my website html I finally got it to work right.
My website layout is finally updated, and I'm slowly making the change from it being a normal random site to a graphic site. Next on the agenda is to make my portfolio site for my photo manipulation and photography.

My current layout is now a Tokio Hotel one. Wow I feel like such a fan girl lol... I was thinking of doing a Linkin Park one, but I didn't really have anything that spoke out to me.
So mu layout is updated. I have added an avatar section with is fully functional. I posted all of my avatars that I made without templates from other sites. I'm going to make more today.

So for some funky avatars check out my website http://yurikio-tsuki.grinhost.net


Concert Countdown

Project Revolution - 37 Days

  • Location:Home
  • Mood: irritated
  • Music:Freak on a Leash - Korn feat. Amy Lee

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Things To Settle

  • Jul. 13th, 2007 at 9:10 PM
billness
Well today has been an interesting day for me. After having played an hour of Guildwars, then having it crash on me, it was quite interesting indeed.

But I think what is more interesting is what is going on in my mind, I have been having thoughts and memories that have been passing through. Some things are making me think of what I thought I knew of myself. It's like I'm being challenged and if I don't fail then it shows maybe I'm starting to understand what's going on. If any of that even makes sense. It's been 3 years since my ex broke up with me, I still have thoughts about that but I realize that things happen for reason. Some times these reasons are unknown and we never know what destiny has in store for us. We learn that we have to make choices to get ahead in life. I'm finally taking my big step in life and going on to bigger things. I have set up my future now, and there is no turning back. I have leave behind friends that are dear, and memories of what was my home, my school and move on to the big school now, the bigger picture in life. I hopefully will make a name for myself and move on to the chef world.

This is where my life leads. I made my future and my destiny.

Concert Countdown

Project Revolution - 39 Days


  • Location:Home
  • Mood: thoughtful
  • Music:Romanticide - Nightwish

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Jul. 12th, 2007

  • 7:19 PM
billness
Okay so Tuesday night I went over to my friends house for a Harry Potter party in light of the newest movie. We stayed up most of the night watching all the movies. (Well up to 3) Then the next morning we got through less then half of the 4th. We all piled into the car and my friends mother drove us to the theater. We all got in and got our tickets. Well I must say the fifth movie is WAY better then 3 and 4, those two I was disgusted on how much they took out of them and how much they messed them up. Hey I'm not saying that they didn't mess up 5 cause they did mess up a few things that might wreck what ever is to happen in book 7. Who knows! But it was pretty much close to the actually book, with a lot of things cut down.

So now I wait, complete excited because the final book comes out next week and I uberly can't wait to read it!

Anyways today I headed up to Humber College to write my assessment test. OMG that was so bad! I know for sure I failed both tests, but what can I do? *shrugs* I'll have to see what happens. Now I'm home after a two hour commute home, I'm tired and exhausted. This indeed was an interesting day.

  • Location:Home
  • Mood: exhausted
  • Music:Green Day - Working Class Hero

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First Entry

  • Jul. 10th, 2007 at 2:32 AM
billness
Well I finally decided to use this journal since I have it anyways.

So here's the deal, life is going great for once :)
I'm going to Humber next year for culinary arts, I'm so excited about that!!

That's a bit of my personal life I'm gonna let slip. :P

Anyways just recently my friend got me into this cool German band, Tokio Hotel. Well I go to say I'm crazy about them, they are such an awesome band. Heck why my user picture is of two of the members. :P

I only wish now that they would come to Canada to perform. ^ ^

On DeviantArt I have posted a vector of Bill Kaulitz the lead singer of the band.
Click Here to check it out!


I plan to do the rest of the band, I'll be sure to post them here! ^ ^


  • Location:Home
  • Mood: blah
  • Music:Tokio Hotel - Monsoon

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